When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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