god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
