just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize