When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This house was built for laser tag.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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