I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I deserve this hangover.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
