Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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