why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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