Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
