I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
