He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
