One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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