My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sext me about skeletons
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
