Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
