I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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