The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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