nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
