My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
