i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
