i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
