those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
