i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize