did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
