thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
