this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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