please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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