WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
