I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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