My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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