Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
