my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
