Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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