don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize