I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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