When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
