Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
