The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
