Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
