So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
