I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
