eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
