Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
