so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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