I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
