i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
