she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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