I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
