I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
