I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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