turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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