Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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