How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
