I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
