It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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