I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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