my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
