His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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