Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
