i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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