do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
